Mom Brain

There is this thing that happens to some postpartum women where their brains go a bit fuzzy, so words and ideas and thoughts are vague or buried or missing altogether, and this makes these women feel dumb. This phenomenon is often referred to as Mom Brain, and I have it big time. I can’t do much about the vague ideas I have, or my thoughts getting buried but, luckily, I have become quite adept at inventing replacements for the words that go missing from my brain, and Ive gotten pretty damn creative if I do say so.

For example, bubba recently finished a feeding with a big healthy burp and a grin. We laughed and blew zerbers at each other as he laid on his back for a change. I sat him back up and nuzzled his nose with mine, and he barfed all over my face. I screamed and husband laughed, so I shouted at him to shut up and grab me a… uh… one of those… you wrap the baby up… a STARTLE STOPPER!!! Which is a swaddle blanket.

Another good example: since my boy loves music, and mama loves dancing, we often sway to Disney songs or booty shake to some BeyoncĂ©. Recently we were listening to a kids Pandora station, and a rendition of “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” began to play, which I love, so I swooped my little puppy boy up into my arms and cuddled him to the tune. My mind immediately and violently flashed forward to a vision of my son, a head taller than I, clad in a dark suit as we danced at his wedding. Irrational as it may be, I of course began to sob, so I handed baby off to a bewildered daddy. I explained myself to Husband as heavy tears and snot dripped down my face, then I asked if he had washed those… uh… my things… the boob guys… the MILK SUCKERS?!?! Which are breast pump flanges.

I have a million, and not all of them are baby related.

Need another chair? “Babe, can you bring in an extra… uh… So we can have more people at the table? You know? One of those… a SITTING SPOT!”

Baby needs a change? “Oh ma gawd that’s the most poo I’ve ever seen! Babe!! I’m out of… can you open a new box of… those things for the poo… a baby bathroom thing…a POOP CATCHER!!!” (That’s technically 2 very creative and descriptive word-replacement phrases. Feel free to use if needed. No charge.)

Looking for your car keys? “Baby have you seen my… jingley… little… STARTER THINGS?”(Best when used with a “turning the ignition” hand motion.)

Sports bra? BOOBY TIGHTENER. “You know, for work outs?”

Bottle brush? Baby cup scrubby washer.

Deodorant? Stink stick.

Fork? Food stabby.

Decent night’s sleep? Ha Ha yea right.

I could go on, but my Mom Brain is kicking in, and I can’t remember the talky sayings that have gone missing from my head organ, let alone the creative instead-users I’ve come up with. This mama needs some energy-making bitter water and some yum wafers before the baby wakes from his nap. (No creativity needed there – all hail nap time.)