This is not motherhood-related, but it is Shawna-related. You ready? Because this A C T U A L L Y happened to me in college. Here we go!
Once upon a time, long ago, in a far-off land called Chico, CA, a girl named Shawna was away at college and bored. You see, Shawna didn’t particularly like school and hadn’t really wanted to go to college. In fact, she would have preferred to head to Hollywood to hit the pavement as a wannabe actress but, as Shawna would later often lament, her mother had unceremoniously forbidden it, informing Shawna that she would be on her own financially if she chose to pursue her lifelong dreams of movie stardom right out of high school. Having no knowledge of finances and no means of supporting herself, Shawna did as she was told and packed her bags, shipping off to the furthest state school she could find (and thereby infuriating her mother, an unintentional but hilarious bonus).
Shawna tried. She went to class, she pledged a sorority, she went out to parties and got drunk, she made out with boys. She really tried. But her acting class was child’s play, and she got a giant cold sore on her lip from the stress of being away from home, so day after day, as she headed back to her dorm room, she found herself both disinterested in school and increasingly unenthusiastic about being there. In an effort to escape her reality for a short while, Shawna began chatting with old high school classmates on AIM, and then, when no one was online, with random chatroom weirdos, and that’s how she met her internet boyfriend.
Shawna and arckpj29 were quickly smitten. They were intimate bedfellows, exchanging graphic, personal details about themselves – like that she had blonde hair and he, brown. He asked the name of the sorority she was pledging (Pi Beta Phi) and she asked the name of the sushi restaurant where he waited tables (RB Sushi in Poway). They exchanged photos and each told the other how “cute” they were. They talked about their lives – how he loved surfing and snowboarding but he didn’t get to the beach or the mountains as often as he liked, and how she was going to be a famous actress and resented the hell out of being required to first attend college and get a degree, but would be smart and use this time to get into “Hollywood shape.” Sometimes Shawna found arckpj29 annoying and weird, like the time he sent her a music demo that was clearly not his and asked for her opinion as if it was. Still, there was something delightful about escaping reality to chat with a mystery man from sunny Southern California, so she let his oddities be.
Months later, when back home for winter break, Shawna hatched a plan with her sisters to take a day trip to Poway, CA. She would go to arckpj29’s restaurant, and meet her internet boyfriend in person! Shawna dressed in her most obvious, pink Pi Beta Phi sweatshirt and wore her blonde hair down. She endured merciless teasing from her sisters for the full hour and twenty minutes of driving it took to find RB Sushi, a tiny, bland cafe in a tiny, bland strip mall. And as Shawna exited the car to head towards the restaurant, she felt a pit begin to form way down deep in her stomach.
“Oh God,” Shawna thought, “I don’t think I want to do this.”
“Should we just ask for a table?” asked Sister #1.
“Yeah, alright,” agreed Shawna.
“I have to shit,” whispered Sister #2.
“Fuck me, please do not shit in there,” gasped Shawna.
As they entered the restaurant, Shawna scanned the scene and immediately spotted a bus boy who looked familiar. But that couldn’t be him! Sure, he had brown hair, but he looked to be about 110 pounds and was 7 or 8 inches shorter than the 6 feet arckpj29 had claimed to be. Just then he looked up from his bus bin and locked eyes with Shawna. A quizzical expression crossed his eyes and he began to smile. Shawna turned bright red in the face, turned away and threw her blonde hair up into the world’s quickest messy bun, then folded her arms tightly across the Greek letters on her chest.
“Is that him?” Sister #1 giggled.
“Shut up,” replied Shawna.
“Oh my God, is that really him?” asked Sister #2.
“Shh, shut up,” said Shawna.
“OK, they’re all looking, are we getting a table?” Sister #1 asked.
“No fucking way, ” Shawna seethed.
“I have to shit,” Sister #2 whispered.
“DO. NOT. SHIT in here,” Shawna spat through gritted teeth.
“Let’s just go to the bathroom and then go,” suggested Sister #1.
“Please no, can we just…” a pathetic Shawna started to beg, before realizing both her stupid fucking sisters were already speed walking towards the bathroom at the rear of the restaurant. Preferring to be lit aflame and burned alive in that moment rather than stand there alone, Shawna shuffled after her sisters.
The three girls piled in to the single stall bathroom, where both of Shawna’s sisters immediately burst into uncontrollable and LOUD laughter.
“Oh my God, was that really him??” Sister #1 asked.
“That was totally him, he looked embarrassed,” Sister #2 offered.
“Shh, I don’t know, please just shut up. They might be able to hear us. Hurry the fuck up and let’s go.” Shawna begged.
The pooping sister pinched it off, wiped, and flushed… but the log did not go down.
“Umm, guys?” she said.
Shawna took one look at the perfect poo encircling the toilet bowl and all the feeling drained out of her body through her butt.
“What do we do?” Sister #1 asked.
“Leave,” pooping sister laughed.
“We can’t leave, he’s gonna think it’s mine,” Shawna croaked.
“Well, the longer we’re in here the more obvious it’s going to be that one or all of us is shitting,” pooping sister said.
“That’s true. We really should just leave,” Sister #1 suggested.
Dizzy now, Shawna weighed her options and quickly realized there were none. “OK,” she said, “but run.”
And with that, the three sisters flung open the bathroom door, averted their eyes, and hurried out of the restaurant and into the car. Shawna sunk down into her seat, feeling sick and mortified. She leaned against the car door for comfort while her sisters laughed. They were home an hour and 20 minutes later, and Shawna bolted into the house, logged onto AIM and blocked arckpj29 before the car was even in park. Shawna felt utter humiliation when recalling that incident for some time after. It may have been months, or even years, before Shawna finally decided to forgive her sisters for their humiliating behavior at RB Sushi. Once she did, she tucked the whole embarrassing incident away in her mind F O R E V E R, never to be spoken of again. And then one day she decided to recount it all for her blog. Still, kinder than her kin, she never named the pooping sister.