I headed out to my 6-week postpartum check up with Dr. Askari, super chill OBGYN, which, consequently, got me out of the house for more than an hour for the first time since giving birth to the squish. I had nearly forgotten what sunshine was like, and driving felt foreign, but it was doctors orders so on I went. After saying howdy to Dr. Askari (who was sad I hadn’t brought the bub), and getting the OK to bring the sexy back (woohoo), I made the rebellious decision to extend my vacation, and I navigated my well-loved Camry to the rich part of town, stopping only as I reached the fancy grocery store.
Then I went inside:
There’s a Starbucks in here! Hello barista, one grande soy latte please. Oh look, travel mugs. Lids are convenient for not spilling coffee on the bubs. Aww I miss my baby! Omg what am I doing, I should go home, he probably misses me. I should text Husband. What? Did they just call a drink for Shannon? Is that me and they’re just dumb? Yup. Ooh latte, yum yum yum. Maybe I should get a travel mug. Omg I’m so tired. Wait, why am I here? Oh yea, we need wipes. Where are the wipes in this place? OMG the bakery! Yum! I’m getting a cart. Hi there, do you have any fresh samples? Something chocolatey? Holy crap that’s good, what is this? Chocolate chew cookie, never heard of that. Can I get a half – a dozen? No, yea, a dozen, sorry, not half. Great, thanks. Do you know where I can find baby wipes? Awesome, have a great day. This place is fancy! Oh wine. That’s smart, they put the booze by the bakery. What time is it? 11am. Maybe I’ll get some for later. Mmm Cabernet, maybe two bottles. Ugh no, put it back, wine will make me too sleepy. I wonder when my puppy boy will start sleeping through the night. I’m so tired. Oh! I should text husband. Oh my gawd, how cute is that rustic picture frame? What a cute little trinket section this grocery store has! Aw I should put the bubs’ picture in that for Husband’s desk at work. Ohh look at the little teddy bears! So soft, bubs will looove. Oh, I need wipes. Focus! Man, so tired. Ok, canned goods; cereal; yum the coffee aisle smells good; oh right, my latte; frozen stuff; shampoo; baby aisle! Sweet, ok, wipes wipes wipes. No! Ugh they don’t have our brand. Whaaat the eff, fancy store?? What now? Ugh everything is so much more expensive. This was stupid, I should have gone to Target. Oh, I need to text Husband. Whatever, unscented generic for right now. Ooh pacifier clips. Cuuuute. Maybe I’ll get the lion one in case my little man starts liking his pacifier. Omg and then he could self-soothe! Might need it. Omg what am I doing? I’m so tired. I’m basically high. Ok, do we need anything else? Good on feminine hygiene; vitamins, no; I can get some toothpaste just in case. Oh makeup! I need new lip gloss. No I don’t, I never go anywhere. But it will make me feel pretty! Oh, hair dye! No, bad idea. What am I looking for again? I have no idea. Omg, the delirium. Should I get a frozen pizza for dinner? I so don’t feel like cooking. Mm, I want chips. I must be getting hungry. A Coke sounds so good right now. Oh right, latte. Yum, it tastes like Christmas. C’mon caffeine, kick in. How cute is this trinket section! Oh, text Husband! Yuuummm sour Skittles, get in my face this instant. Maybe another pack for later. Ah, get out of the candy aisle! I should bring Husband some beef jerky. Ooh fancy bulk section you have, fancy grocery store! Teriyaki glazed organic beef jerky? Sold. I’m such a good wife. I need to text him; how long have I been gone? It’s ok, it’s self care. I need sleep. Yum, those cookies are amazing. I wonder if they have fancy bread loaves. Oh and cheese! Yum, creamy Brie, you smell so funky. Yup definitely hungry. Crunchy bread? Where are you? No that’s brioche, sandwich bread, rolls, OMG are they out? Yay! French bread. Om nom. OK I have to go. Aw I miss the baby. I hope he’s napping. I want to nap. Ow my boobs are starting to hurt. Oh, hello again Starbucks. Yes snooty check out girl, this is my purchase, shut it. Oh yay, sodas! Maybe I’ll get a magazine, see what JLaw is up to. No way, I’d never have time. Oh gawd, I need to pump. Ah crap I forgot reusable bags. I’ll take paper, thanks. Awwwwwww, I just bought baby wipes! I’m such a mom. A really good boy mom, in fact. Damn the sun is bright. Haha look at my car in this parking lot, the only dirty one. Omg I should have grabbed floss! Dammit!!! Ugh, should I go back in? No, not even. Mah, so tired. I’m hungry. Mmm beef jerky is bomb. Ah, crap I never text Husband.
Then I went home. I shared my cookies with Hubs and lamented the wipes selection at the fancy grocery store. I showed off the stuff from the cute trinket section and cursed myself for forgoing the gossip magazine. I told Husband about the bomb beef jerky that I had bought for him but ate in the car, and I reminded him that I had recently given birth so he couldn’t be mad at me; then I gave him a kiss, and I squeezed our squishy 6-week old, and I saddled up to my breast pump because vacation was over.