Top 10 Places A Really Good Boy Mom Stashes Her Retainer

1. In her cleavage while grabbing a coffee, a glass of water, and 3-10 “cinnamon bun” flavored Oreo cookies (OMFnom) from downstairs before the baby wakes up.

2. On any relatively crumb-free surface that is not wet.

3. On a wet surface, if the source of the wetness is known.

4. In the vicinity of the breast pump she will strap herself to 8 times in the next 24 hours.

5. In the pocket of the robe or sweatshirt she has been wearing for 3 days.

6. In the crook of her arm for a very short duration, if cleavage is not available.

7. In her armpit, if crook of arm and cleavage are not available.

8. In the bathroom somewhere.

9. Next to the kitchen sink if she has been doing the dishes (unlikely).

10. In her retainer case (hardy har har).

BONUS: Just kidding she lost it/the dog ate it and a new one will cost 200 bucks.

I can already feel my damn teeth moving. Dammit.

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